Breaking up with Ana

Hello, and long time, no blog! So this is going to be a very honest account of how my life is currently going, knowing that I jet off to Cape Town in two weeks for life-changing anorexia treatment. TW: There may be mention of BMI. Over the past 18 weeks or so I have been having weekly 'counselling' as that is all I can be offered to someone with my BMI. I liked my therapist, which was a good thing, however, I'll say it again and again, counselling is really not an effective method for someone with an eating disorder, whether that be anorexia, bulimia, PICA, orthorexia or other eating disorders. It gets you to think about your past life events that may have contributed to your eating disorder but it doesn't actually ever combat the irrational thinking from your eating disorder, or give you any ways to deal with it. So in this sense, my 18 weeks of counselling has been pretty useless to me. :( Over the past 4 weeks or so, my anorexia has been screaming at me more tha

Good Evening lovelies, I thought I would give a quick (ish) update on where I'm at currently. This should hopefully be easy enough for me to do, as now I've started writing a daily journal to keep track of my recovery. I'm doing this with the hope that in a few years time, I can look back on this part of my life and realise how far I'll have hopefully come. This month, I set myself a goal of trying to see things in a more positive light. This month has so far been quite tricky for me, however, I am still continuously trying to be more positive. Naturally, there have been days where I have not been able to do this, but that's okay, and I'm not going to dwell on it. I've just got to "just keep swimming" (Dory, 2003). Recently, I've been really struggling to sleep, which has been a right pain. Currently, I just cannot seem to get to sleep and have awake until 1.30/2.30am. This impacts me massively the next day, as I am obviously a lot more ti

1. You don't have to be severely underweight to be suffering: Untrue to popular belief, you really do not have to be severely and noticeably underweight to have a diagnosis of Anorexia. The media has made it seem that you cannot be Anorexic without looking underweight/ill, and this is just not true. In fact, you can actually be overweight and anorexic.  On top of this, Anorexia is a MENTAL disorder. Weight loss is just one of many symptoms. 2. The services in the UK are crap unless your health is at serious risk The eating disorder service in the UK is horrendous. Although N.I.C.E guidelines CLEARLY state that weight should not be a determining factor for getting treatment, health professionals, more often than not use weight/BMI as the indicator as to whether or not someone should get treatment. This, however, is not entirely their fault. Due to government cuts, it is just not financially possible to get treatment for Anorexia on the NHS. This is leading to people (such as

I realised recently that it has been a long while since I last posted on this blog, despite the promise to myself that I would update it regularly. How annoying. The last few months have been absolutely crazy, filled with many ups and many downs. After my last post, I went on my search for treatment so that I would be able to return to university in April, however, it didn't really go to plan and finding treatment is NOT as easy as I thought it would be. I have been finding out the hard way that within the NHS, and due to my location in the UK, although I have an official diagnosis of AN, and although my BMI is still a lot lower than it should be, I don't qualify for funded treatment. This is due to my BMI not being below 15 (a healthy BMI is between 18.5 and 24.9). A BMI of 15 or below is very dangerous and life threatening, so only qualifying for treatment at that stage seems ridiculous. I could go on and rant about how upsetting and frustrating the whole process of finding

It's been a few weeks since I last posted on here, and that is mostly due to the fact that I was sorting my bits out at uni and then moving back to my hometown. I GOT TO SEE MY CHICKEN'S AND THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY !! Dave the Chicken (she's a girl) I've been back a couple of weeks now, and to be honest things haven't been all that great. My treatment is STILL not sorted, and I feel so out of control of everything in my life right now. I have no 'schedule', there is nothing I have to do. I was trying to explain this to my friend earlier over the phone and figured the best way to explain it is as followed: When I was at uni, I knew what I had to be getting on with, whether that be uni work, or doing a shop. I actually had a schedule, I worked around my lectures and uni timetable. I knew that if I didn't go to lectures there would be direct consequences, I knew that if I didn't do a food shop, I literally would have nothing in the flat to even sn

In today's society, body shaming is such a normal everyday thing, and this really frustrates me because people are just becoming immune to it. Admittedly, 'fat' shaming is more prevalent within society, but recently 'skinny' shaming has been on the rise.   Mostly, I come across 'skinny shaming' online. This is often done through people making comments on social media such as: 'Only dogs eat bones', calling people names such as 'twiggy', telling someone to 'eat a cheeseburger'. If this were the other way round, and people were making comments such as 'only dogs eat meat', or outright calling people fat, there would be absolute outrage from society! , However, for some reason, this is not the case when an individual skinny shames. A lot of people turn a blind eye to it and ignore that comments were ever made and this is SO wrong. Surely if calling someone 'fat' and is classed as a 'hate crime'. then calling so

So post-ED assessment,  they re-diagnosed me with Anorexia Nervosa. Part of me was really hoping that they'd tell me that Ana is all in my head (ironic because it is) and that actually I was okay and didn't need to panic myself. But, it is what it is... After coming to terms with the re-affirmed diagnosis, I had a bit of a rough week and sunk into this deep depression, and it was scary. I've never really had 'suicidal' thoughts before, but I guess there is a first time for everything. Due to my mental state, it got to a point where I had to leave halls for a night- I wasn't coping and felt alone even though I had people around me. I went to stay at my grandmothers' so that I could think things through. While I was there she opened up to me about her past and it turns out that she was treated for severe depression and an ED while she was 7months pregnant with my uncle. I had no idea until then, but they used to treat mental illnesses with something

Nearly a week ago, I went to my local specialist treatment centre for an assessment of my ED. I'm going to write about my experience of the assessment, and try to describe how I felt during it. On top of this, I will also try and give some advice to those of you who may have assessments in the future. The night before... The evening before the assessment was possibly one of the most terrifying evenings I have experienced in a long time. It seems completely irrational now that I was scared of getting help, but at the time I had so many fears. I wasn't told what my assessment would entail of, so I used the dreaded 'google'  to research what may happen, however this just added even more anxiety to my already prevalent worries. I knew that I had a couple of people around me who have been through the assessment progress before, so  I decided to ring one of them to ask questions and get my fears out in the open. This is seriously something I would suggest, even if yo

Over the past 2 weeks, I have been lucky enough to go home and see my family! It gave me a lot of time to reflect on my eating habits and my mood in general. Unfortunately, within the first week of being home, I broke up with my boyfriend, which sent my emotions all over the place. However...I am not going to go into detail on that haha. I was able to talk to some close friends about how I was feeling and how I felt as though my mood and eating habits has regressed since the breakup. I was told and ensured that this was a totally expected reaction. This blog post is not about the past two weeks though, they are over and done with so there is no point dwelling on it. :) On Tuesday, I have my assessment for the specialist eating disorder treatment. This is being done in order to see what type of treatment will work best for me. After reading about the place that I am going to and what my options could be, I have managed to scare myself to the point that I get shaky and become overwhel

So far, I've only really been positive on this blog, but these past 2 weeks haven't been all that groovy, and I'm not going to sit here and tell you that recovery is always easy...because it isn't. Relationships are a funny thing, whether it's a friendship, family relationship, or a romantic relationship. When living with an ED, you often do not realise how toxic you can be within relationships until someone tells you, or you see first hand for yourself. One thing I hate doing is upsetting people or letting people down. However, when your life become controlled by an ED, it is so easily done. As I have mentioned in an earlier post, there are certain personality traits that are common in people who live with Ana, or other ED's. One of these personality traits is that you become obsessed with wanting people to like you. I have this trait, and have done for as long as I can remember, and it can make me very needy. I always seek approval and attention in order to

I seem to have a small obsession with the stationary shop: Paperchase. I just feel like it's such a magical place, where all of your stationary needs and wishes come true. Over the years I have brought MANY things from Paperchase, and although this is incredibly tragic when it comes to my bank balance...my   rewards card is full of points! Anyways...A few weeks back I went into the magical land of Paperchase  and impulsively bought a meal planning book. It has Llamas on it...LLAMAS! When I got a chance to have a proper look at it, it really motivated me to plan my meals each week to ensure I was eating properly and keeping myself hydrated. So last week, I sat down by myself and wrote myself a meal plan for this week Mon-Fri. Within my plan were loads of healthy meals and snack that I do not feel guilty about eating. I'm now on day 4/5 of preparing meals that I have planned in advance, and I've tried my very hardest to cook my meals from scratch. Most of the meals I have

Hello cherubs, I thought I would post really quickly on what is actually quite a big subject. Recently I've been listening to lots of 'TED Talks' to help improve my mood and self awareness. I found this particular video a couple of days ago, and I believe and can relate to every single thing that is said in here. People forget that there are so many more things important than appearance. The only negative I would give on this video is that it only focuses on females, but this is just as relevant to males. Daisy May xo Why thinking you're ugly is bad for you

I never thought I would be doing a book review on this blog, however it seems to have come to this! As I mentioned in my last post, I attend a recovery support group, and at this group they have a collection of books at the back of the room that you can take away, read and return. In February I decided I wanted to take a book away to read that goes by the name of  conquering anorexia  written by Clare Lindsay. The book follows Clare's journey with anorexia and her recovery, discovering the reasons behind her behaviours and finding ways to overcome them. I thought this may be a good book for me to read, to help me understand Ana and the difference between her and myself. I also found that it made me look at my past and possibly the reasons for Ana being part of my life. From reading the book, I found a lot of early behavioural similarities between myself and Clare. I realised that when looking back at my days in primary school that all I wanted, was to be liked and accepted by

In the past, I've tried to 'recover', but have always taken one step forwards and three steps back. However one thing that I have kept going to is an adults eating disorder recovery support group. The group runs once a month and is done so by two facilitators who set the direction of the conversation. There are ground rules at the group that are put in place in order not to trigger anybody. For example: no talk of calories or weight. I remember the night before going for the first time that I went, I was so nervous and really didn't want to go, but deep down inside, I knew I had to. All I could imagine was that scene from 'The Fault in Our Stars' when they're on the support group and they sit literally in the heart of Jesus, sing cheesy songs and quote messages of support in unison that really had no true meaning. However, I was pleasantly surprised when I walked into the room. First of all, I was offered a cup of tea. Tea is the way to my heart, so I a

Since checking my post box this evening, I realised that my referral for the ED specific therapy has come through. The letter says that I'll have an assessment that will last 2 hours. I'm not really sure what I think of this, as it seems a long time to assess whether or not you qualify for help? However, I am just thankful that this has come through and I'm so excited to see what this next chapter brings. Onwards and upwards!  Daisy May xo

Who am I? Hello! My name is Daisy, I'm currently 19 years old and studying children's nursing at university. (Hopefully I'll graduate in 2019!) I still feel about 12, but apparently I'm now legally an adult? What is this blog for?  This blog is to help me during my recovery from Anorexia Nervosa (Ana).  On top of this, it's a way for my friends and family to see how I'm doing. It was my drs idea to do a blog as they felt it's something that would help me. This blog will mostly be for my own personal benefit, however if people read it and enjoy it, that's a bonus.  My ED story I'll try not to go into too much detail because there is a lot.  I first personally noticed that I had 'issues' with my eating when I was 15 years old, during year 11. (GCSE year!) I had a tough time as my parents split up out of what seemed like nowhere, therefore completely turning my life upside down. When I noticed that I wasn't feeling phys