Breaking up with Ana

I used to dream of being the ‘perfect anorexic’. Convinced that if I put all my time and energy into conforming to my diagnosis, I’d manage it. I thought it was sustainable to live my life grey, tired and scared. But it wasn’t. I thought it could go unnoticed. But it didn’t. My eating disorder took so much from me. I lost friends and terrified my family. But most of all, I lost myself. However, I didn’t care because I was perfecting my illness, so it was okay. It all went tits up. I didn’t perfect my anorexia, because I ended up in a treatment centre for 3 months. I had failed. I was a failed anorexic because I gave up on my illness and allowed someone to try and take it away from me. I didn’t perfect it. I couldn’t perfect it. As each day of treatment passed, it gave me more opportunities to recover, things started to get easier and less scary. I started to realise that if I could put all my energy into perfecting my anorexia, why couldn’t I put that same energy into perfec

Nobody values your life as much as you do, so don't leave it up to other people to try and fix you. The point at which you get diagnosed with an eating disorder is not your fault, and completely out of your control. However, what is not out of your control is how you go about your healing process. Healing is another process within recovery. When you finish a stage of treatment, or start complying with your GP, it doesn't mean that you'll automatically be healed. Yes you are healing. But you're not healed, so don't put that pressure on yourself.  Saying this, a little bit of pressure on yourself is so important in recovery. Especially when you are in treatment, whether that be outpatient or inpatient. Your team are there to help and guide you and will provide you with the tools that you need to start to overcome your ED, but they can't force you to use those tools. That is down to you. It's your responsibility to do that. Those tools will only tru

Friends in recovery are so important, and are really vital in helping you maintain your recovery, but sometimes it can get really suffocating, and difficult.  I remember when I got back from inpatient treatment and joined a new university cohort I vowed to myself that I wouldn't tell my new friends about ED stuff, for the simple reason being, I didn't want to be 'that girl'. However realistically, it couldn't be this way because recovery isn't linear and undoubtedly I was going to struggle. I decided to make it a kind of public thing just to help me stay on track. This really hasn't been an issue at all, and has been really useful knowing that other people are in the know and are understanding. BUT  The further you get into recovery, the less you want it to be a thing. Obviously my recovery isn't perfect and I do sometimes struggle still, but 98% of the time I am able to manage and maintain my recovery without any real interventions.  Re

I had a blip. A 3 day blip. Not particularly proud of the blip, kind of blip. But still, I'm here to tell the tale and I'm now okay 😊 I just wanted to make a note of it to remind myself and others that recovery really isn't a straight line, and things can get really tricky. I'm still in a state of mind whereby I feel like I've failed a little bit, but that's because I'm a self confessed perfectionist and control freak when it comes to my recovery. When I was in the depths of anorexia, I always wanted to be the 'perfect anorexic' from the moment I got the label. Now I have been in recovery for a year and a half, I've wanted have the 'perfect recovery'.  Unfortunately this isn't realistic.  My therapist said to me today that most clinicians would be worried if their clients started recovery and never had a blip or a lapse. So I guess my recovery is normal in their eyes?  I don't re

So, I've been discharged!! I didn't discharge myself, they discharged me. 😃  This is a huge step in my recovery because last time I was in community treatment, I didn't get officially discharged, so didn't complete treatment; and when I was an inpatient in Cape Town, if I had been in a better financial position, I would have had to stay an extra 2 months. So the fact that I have been formally discharged is incredible, and I am so proud of myself. The last 8/9 months in community treatment really hasn't been easy, I didn't really like my therapist, and felt stuck a lot of the time. However, my therapist must have been doing something a little bit right because honestly, I've never felt ready to leave treatment before, but for the first time ever, I really felt like I needed to leave.  Finishing community treatment has been a really top moment in my life and I've been so excited, but the last few days I've had feelings of being terrif

I want to write about something that upset me initially when I heard about it but upset me even more when family members of mine supported it. That’s right, it’s the dreaded ‘Kurbo’ app by Weight Watchers/ WW. I just want to have a bit of a rant and write down all the reasons why this app is SO messed up. I understand that childhood obesity all over the world is quite high, and I completely get that this can be dangerous, however shouldn’t we be looking at the reasons behind this and trying to prevent it with healthy measures? If a child is at risk of becoming severely overweight, or is overweight, you’d like to think that their family/school/health care professionals would pick up on this and put a plan together? A child could be overweight for several reasons, not just because they are eating ‘bad foods’ or as Kurbo calls them ‘Red Foods’- which brings me to a point on traffic-lighting food. If you are teaching a child to traffic light their food and track their weight, it put

18 months ago... Ice Cream: ... Daisy: CRIES  Ice Cream: ?? So fear foods are a thing that you have to tackle in recovery. I was lucky enough to tackle a lot of my fear foods when I was in treatment, in fact I managed to tackle 95% of them which is great! However the one food I've always been 'funny' with is ice cream. I'd always used the excuse that I just didn't like it, and over time I tricked myself and others into thinking this really was the reason I didn't ever have it. But oh how far from the truth that was. Until I tried it again properly when I was in treatment, I hadn't realised that it was actually LUSH (I keep saying lush...I can't stop...help!). In treatment I tackled shop brought ice creams, such as magnums, soleros etc. I found these hard, but I knew that the ice cream I feared most was scooped or tubbed ice cream. I got away without having it when I was away, and have only attempted having it twice since coming back fr

So recently, myself and quite a few of my friends seem to have been suffering quite badly with anxiety. Now, although this isn't something necessarily new to me, it doesn't ever really seem to get easier. Over the years of therapy I have had, I have accumulated many anxiety relieving techniques and distress tolerance techniques. Here are a few of my favourites! Grounding 1: Say/Write down 5 things you can see... Say/Write down 4 things you can touch... Say/Write down 3 things you can hear... Say/Write down 2 things you can smell... Say/Write down 1 thing you can taste... Grounding 2: Lie down and close your eyes... Start from your feet and work your way up to your head... Tense and release each muscle in order... Recognise which parts of the body are touching the ground/bed... Soothing using your senses: Vision: Go for a walk, pay attention to the sights... Hearing: Listen to something you enjoy! Touch: Take a warm bath, or put on a cosy blanket Taste: Treat yourse

"When everything feels like an uphill battle, just think of the view from the top" Because your life can be revolved around LIVING and not around food/eating/body image Because life is about so much more than the number of calories on your plate Because you can go out and enjoy social events with friends/family Because you’ll no longer be causing pain to other people, but even more importantly yourself Because having an eating disorder is exhausting, and you need that energy for other things Because you can sit on a chair/ on the floor without being in pain Because your hair and nails will grow super long Because people will stop making comments when you eat  Because people will stop staring  Because you’ll be treated like an adult Because you won’t be cold ALL.THE.TIME Because you’ll be able to concentrate Because you’ll be able to get through university  Because you’ll look and feel alive Because you deserve so much more Bec

Cannot believe this day has finally come, but today, I have officially been in recovery for a WHOLE YEAR! It's crazy to think this this time last year, I was on a plane on my way to Cape Town for treatment of an eating disorder that had taken over my life since the age of 15. A year ago, I was super depressed (despite not wanting to admit it, and not letting  it show); underweight; all I thought about 24/7 was food- I was terrified of everything I consumed; exercise had become an addiction, and I was doing it excessively to punish myself; my self confidence was at an all time low, and I was experiencing such self doubt that I was scared to share MY opinions on things, and hid behind everyone else's; I was so manipulative, I hid things from those closest to me, and I started to believe my own lies and on top of all of that, I hated myself. All I knew was that I wanted things to change, but that I needed help, and couldn't do it alone... A year on, thing's still aren