Cannot believe this day has finally come, but today, I have officially been in recovery for a WHOLE YEAR! It's crazy to think this this time last year, I was on a plane on my way to Cape Town for treatment of an eating disorder that had taken over my life since the age of 15.
A year ago, I was super depressed (despite not wanting to admit it, and not letting it show); underweight; all I thought about 24/7 was food- I was terrified of everything I consumed; exercise had become an addiction, and I was doing it excessively to punish myself; my self confidence was at an all time low, and I was experiencing such self doubt that I was scared to share MY opinions on things, and hid behind everyone else's; I was so manipulative, I hid things from those closest to me, and I started to believe my own lies and on top of all of that, I hated myself. All I knew was that I wanted things to change, but that I needed help, and couldn't do it alone...
A year on, thing's still aren't perfect, but they sure are a hell of a lot better than before! I'm still on and off medication for low mood and anxiety, but it's no longer classed as depression, and I've learnt to manage it! I'm learning and re-training my brain to not mask my feelings, and to share them too. Sometimes this comes across as oversharing, but it's a balance I'm working on, so for now, that's okay. Food is not the first thing on my mind so much, and if it is on my mind, it's either recovery focused or because I'm looking forward to it! (Recovery focused meaning that I'm regretting forgetting a snack, or that I'm planning my meals). I have a much healthier relationship with exercise now too. I am allowed a gym membership, and go when I want to, because I want to! However, no more than 2 times a week as I have set a boundary. I have also informed the gym that if I start going excessively, to cancel my membership! Self confidence is a lot better too! I have days where I LOVE myself, which makes a massive change. However, I do still have some weeks where I really struggle and it can still be debilitating. I don't feel as though I am manipulative anymore, and I feel that I am much more honest. I've been able to recognise what the lies were that I had told myself, and what the truth really is. Something I've realised about secrecy within eating disorders is that: If you're doing things in secret, than surely that's a sign that you probably shouldn't be doing them, and that it's probably detrimental to your recovery! (E.G. weighing in secret, eating in secret, exercising in secret, counting calories in secret!)
So on the most part things are really positive! I've been through quite a lot of 'lapses*' and 'slips*' as well, but from listening to other people in recovery, this is super normal, and I'm no longer ashamed of that ya know? There is no such thing as a 'perfect recovery'. I still struggle, and the ED still creeps back in every now and again, but I am dealing with it so much better than I ever could have imagined. Recovery isn't a straight road, it is literally a rollercoaster, with so many up's and downs. There have been times where I have wanted to give up, and give into my ED, but I am SO glad that I have bounced back every time, back to healthy Daisy! :) A few months ago, I got in contact with my local ED team and asked for help again, I feel as though I just need a bit of supporting at the moment, as I'm feeling quite 'fragile' and I have found myself taking on others situations more than I would like to. These are warning signs of relapse for me, so I was proactive and gave the team a shout! Funnily enough, I had a phone call whilst in the middle of writing this post saying that I am at the top of the waiting list and that my therapy will start again in the next 2 weeks! I am OVERYJOYED!
Have a pretty day!
Dais xox
*lapses/Slips - a one time return to an addictive behaviour/ short time returning to addictive behaviour.
A year ago, I was super depressed (despite not wanting to admit it, and not letting it show); underweight; all I thought about 24/7 was food- I was terrified of everything I consumed; exercise had become an addiction, and I was doing it excessively to punish myself; my self confidence was at an all time low, and I was experiencing such self doubt that I was scared to share MY opinions on things, and hid behind everyone else's; I was so manipulative, I hid things from those closest to me, and I started to believe my own lies and on top of all of that, I hated myself. All I knew was that I wanted things to change, but that I needed help, and couldn't do it alone...
A year on, thing's still aren't perfect, but they sure are a hell of a lot better than before! I'm still on and off medication for low mood and anxiety, but it's no longer classed as depression, and I've learnt to manage it! I'm learning and re-training my brain to not mask my feelings, and to share them too. Sometimes this comes across as oversharing, but it's a balance I'm working on, so for now, that's okay. Food is not the first thing on my mind so much, and if it is on my mind, it's either recovery focused or because I'm looking forward to it! (Recovery focused meaning that I'm regretting forgetting a snack, or that I'm planning my meals). I have a much healthier relationship with exercise now too. I am allowed a gym membership, and go when I want to, because I want to! However, no more than 2 times a week as I have set a boundary. I have also informed the gym that if I start going excessively, to cancel my membership! Self confidence is a lot better too! I have days where I LOVE myself, which makes a massive change. However, I do still have some weeks where I really struggle and it can still be debilitating. I don't feel as though I am manipulative anymore, and I feel that I am much more honest. I've been able to recognise what the lies were that I had told myself, and what the truth really is. Something I've realised about secrecy within eating disorders is that: If you're doing things in secret, than surely that's a sign that you probably shouldn't be doing them, and that it's probably detrimental to your recovery! (E.G. weighing in secret, eating in secret, exercising in secret, counting calories in secret!)
So on the most part things are really positive! I've been through quite a lot of 'lapses*' and 'slips*' as well, but from listening to other people in recovery, this is super normal, and I'm no longer ashamed of that ya know? There is no such thing as a 'perfect recovery'. I still struggle, and the ED still creeps back in every now and again, but I am dealing with it so much better than I ever could have imagined. Recovery isn't a straight road, it is literally a rollercoaster, with so many up's and downs. There have been times where I have wanted to give up, and give into my ED, but I am SO glad that I have bounced back every time, back to healthy Daisy! :) A few months ago, I got in contact with my local ED team and asked for help again, I feel as though I just need a bit of supporting at the moment, as I'm feeling quite 'fragile' and I have found myself taking on others situations more than I would like to. These are warning signs of relapse for me, so I was proactive and gave the team a shout! Funnily enough, I had a phone call whilst in the middle of writing this post saying that I am at the top of the waiting list and that my therapy will start again in the next 2 weeks! I am OVERYJOYED!
Have a pretty day!
Dais xox
*lapses/Slips - a one time return to an addictive behaviour/ short time returning to addictive behaviour.
Comments
Post a Comment