Breaking up with Ana

Happy 12 th (?) week of lockdown! I hope those of you who still read this blog are all keeping well and having a restful time if you haven’t been at work. I honestly thought I would write on here loads, but I really haven’t had that much to say – nothing that is particularly useful for myself or others anyways! I’ve had questions from people about how to deal with the lockdown if you have an eating disorder. The honest answer is that I wish I knew, because I am struggling. So if anybody knows, please message me!! I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to work for about half of lockdown, but other than my beautiful bunny Meredith, I’ve gone home every night to an empty house. There have been days in a row where I haven’t physically had to open my mouth to talk. It’s just been the weirdest thing. I’ve found it really tricky, especially as my normal coping mechanism when my mood gets questionable is to get out the house and see people. I don’t do well living alone. I mean, Meredith lis...

Hello! So today, I want to focus on something that isn ’ t really looked at within the media – men with eating disorders. Despite eating disorders predominantly being associated with women, men certainly don ’ t escape them. I interviewed a friend of mine recently who has suffered with an eating disorder. He happily agreed to share his journey. I really hope that this can maybe bring comfort to someone.  Ed - Looking Dashing Hello! Do you mind introducing yourself and giving me one cool fact about yourself?  Hi, I’m Ed and I’m a violinist - is that cool? I honestly don’t even know? When did you first develop your eating disorder? I think I probably started just before I turned 17 but I really didn’t realise what was going on until I’d developed some really unhealthy and self-destructive habits. Do you feel there was a particular trigger for your eating disorder? I can definitely pinpoint a couple of key moments during sixth form that acted as catalys...

Hello! So this week is eating disorder awareness week, which is basically a week in which awareness is raised on eating disorders and their treatment/lack of treatment. Last year I got involved with the media quite a lot, and shared my story with multiple different people. However this year I want to do something that is more inclusive and helpful on my own platform, as sometimes it's hard to relate exactly to what a specific person is going through, as ED's are so so different and present differently in different people. It's so important to remember that there are so many types of eating disorders out there, some more well known than others. Because of this, I kind of just want to explore each one in a little bit of detail. I don't really like labels or labelling someone as 'Bulimic', or a 'binge eater' etc, but for the purposes of this I'll talk about each condition with its generic labels. Even if you cannot relate completely to one of these ...

I used to dream of being the ‘perfect anorexic’. Convinced that if I put all my time and energy into conforming to my diagnosis, I’d manage it. I thought it was sustainable to live my life grey, tired and scared. But it wasn’t. I thought it could go unnoticed. But it didn’t. My eating disorder took so much from me. I lost friends and terrified my family. But most of all, I lost myself. However, I didn’t care because I was perfecting my illness, so it was okay. It all went tits up. I didn’t perfect my anorexia, because I ended up in a treatment centre for 3 months. I had failed. I was a failed anorexic because I gave up on my illness and allowed someone to try and take it away from me. I didn’t perfect it. I couldn’t perfect it. As each day of treatment passed, it gave me more opportunities to recover, things started to get easier and less scary. I started to realise that if I could put all my energy into perfecting my anorexia, why couldn’t I put that same energy into perfec...

Nobody values your life as much as you do, so don't leave it up to other people to try and fix you. The point at which you get diagnosed with an eating disorder is not your fault, and completely out of your control. However, what is not out of your control is how you go about your healing process. Healing is another process within recovery. When you finish a stage of treatment, or start complying with your GP, it doesn't mean that you'll automatically be healed. Yes you are healing. But you're not healed, so don't put that pressure on yourself.  Saying this, a little bit of pressure on yourself is so important in recovery. Especially when you are in treatment, whether that be outpatient or inpatient. Your team are there to help and guide you and will provide you with the tools that you need to start to overcome your ED, but they can't force you to use those tools. That is down to you. It's your responsibility to do that. Those tools will only tru...

Friends in recovery are so important, and are really vital in helping you maintain your recovery, but sometimes it can get really suffocating, and difficult.  I remember when I got back from inpatient treatment and joined a new university cohort I vowed to myself that I wouldn't tell my new friends about ED stuff, for the simple reason being, I didn't want to be 'that girl'. However realistically, it couldn't be this way because recovery isn't linear and undoubtedly I was going to struggle. I decided to make it a kind of public thing just to help me stay on track. This really hasn't been an issue at all, and has been really useful knowing that other people are in the know and are understanding. BUT  The further you get into recovery, the less you want it to be a thing. Obviously my recovery isn't perfect and I do sometimes struggle still, but 98% of the time I am able to manage and maintain my recovery without any real interventions.  Re...

I had a blip. A 3 day blip. Not particularly proud of the blip, kind of blip. But still, I'm here to tell the tale and I'm now okay 😊 I just wanted to make a note of it to remind myself and others that recovery really isn't a straight line, and things can get really tricky. I'm still in a state of mind whereby I feel like I've failed a little bit, but that's because I'm a self confessed perfectionist and control freak when it comes to my recovery. When I was in the depths of anorexia, I always wanted to be the 'perfect anorexic' from the moment I got the label. Now I have been in recovery for a year and a half, I've wanted have the 'perfect recovery'.  Unfortunately this isn't realistic.  My therapist said to me today that most clinicians would be worried if their clients started recovery and never had a blip or a lapse. So I guess my recovery is normal in their eyes?  I don't re...

"When everything feels like an uphill battle, just think of the view from the top" Because your life can be revolved around LIVING and not around food/eating/body image Because life is about so much more than the number of calories on your plate Because you can go out and enjoy social events with friends/family Because you’ll no longer be causing pain to other people, but even more importantly yourself Because having an eating disorder is exhausting, and you need that energy for other things Because you can sit on a chair/ on the floor without being in pain Because your hair and nails will grow super long Because people will stop making comments when you eat  Because people will stop staring  Because you’ll be treated like an adult Because you won’t be cold ALL.THE.TIME Because you’ll be able to concentrate Because you’ll be able to get through university  Because you’ll look and feel alive Because you deserve so much more ...

Cannot believe this day has finally come, but today, I have officially been in recovery for a WHOLE YEAR! It's crazy to think this this time last year, I was on a plane on my way to Cape Town for treatment of an eating disorder that had taken over my life since the age of 15. A year ago, I was super depressed (despite not wanting to admit it, and not letting  it show); underweight; all I thought about 24/7 was food- I was terrified of everything I consumed; exercise had become an addiction, and I was doing it excessively to punish myself; my self confidence was at an all time low, and I was experiencing such self doubt that I was scared to share MY opinions on things, and hid behind everyone else's; I was so manipulative, I hid things from those closest to me, and I started to believe my own lies and on top of all of that, I hated myself. All I knew was that I wanted things to change, but that I needed help, and couldn't do it alone... A year on, thing's still aren...

I seem to have a small obsession with the stationary shop: Paperchase. I just feel like it's such a magical place, where all of your stationary needs and wishes come true. Over the years I have brought MANY things from Paperchase, and although this is incredibly tragic when it comes to my bank balance...my   rewards card is full of points! Anyways...A few weeks back I went into the magical land of Paperchase  and impulsively bought a meal planning book. It has Llamas on it...LLAMAS! When I got a chance to have a proper look at it, it really motivated me to plan my meals each week to ensure I was eating properly and keeping myself hydrated. So last week, I sat down by myself and wrote myself a meal plan for this week Mon-Fri. Within my plan were loads of healthy meals and snack that I do not feel guilty about eating. I'm now on day 4/5 of preparing meals that I have planned in advance, and I've tried my very hardest to cook my meals from scratch. Most of the meals I have ...

Who am I? Hello! My name is Daisy, I'm currently 19 years old and studying children's nursing at university. (Hopefully I'll graduate in 2019!) I still feel about 12, but apparently I'm now legally an adult? What is this blog for?  This blog is to help me during my recovery from Anorexia Nervosa (Ana).  On top of this, it's a way for my friends and family to see how I'm doing. It was my drs idea to do a blog as they felt it's something that would help me. This blog will mostly be for my own personal benefit, however if people read it and enjoy it, that's a bonus.  My ED story I'll try not to go into too much detail because there is a lot.  I first personally noticed that I had 'issues' with my eating when I was 15 years old, during year 11. (GCSE year!) I had a tough time as my parents split up out of what seemed like nowhere, therefore completely turning my life upside down. When I noticed that I wasn't feeling phys...