Breaking up with Ana

  Through the 12-step program, sobriety = abstinence from your addiction.  Come January 7th, I should technically be "3 years sober". I've been thinking over the past year how comfortable I feel in using the term sober, because I certainly have not abstained from old eating disorder behaviours. I feel as though if I claim to be 3 years sober, it would ultimately be a lie. How can I write about it being okay to have blips and talk about the fact that recovery isn't linear, while at the same time talking about sobriety? It's dishonest and misleading.  I've decided that for me, I no longer want to use the term sober. It doesn't reflect the reality of recovery for me. So for now, 3 years in recovery is how I will approach January 7th. It'll be 3 years since I accepted that I had an eating disorder, 3 years since I started to give up control, and educated myself on the realities of what I was doing to myself and other people. Recovery is so so hard. Especia

 Hello beautiful humans The end of the year always goes something like this for me: October = Mild panic. It's my birthday in November and usually pictures are taken - best look reasonable for them. November = Pretty decent panic. It's my birthday, pictures will be taken. Do I look okay? have I gained weight from last year? Will people comment on my body? Oh shit it's Christmas next month. December = Major panic. I had photos taken at my birthday, and people will compare them to the pictures from Christmas.* Food. So much food. Lots of people. Stressful family times. Diet talk. Help. This year for sure is turning out no different, apart from the fact that we are in a global pandemic, and lockdown is being re-implemented. So no biggie really 😉.  For me, the added stress at the moment is the fact that people are already panic buying. Around Christmas time is when I like to stick to my safe foods, even if throughout the rest of the year I am relatively relaxed. Safe foods m

I've been relatively quiet about the governments latest scheme and plan to introduce visible calories  on menus. My mind has been racing, and I think I have felt every negative emotion under the sun; however I've just not been able to write anything that I am happy with or that I believe truly showcases why this whole thing is absurd. I decided to stop trying to write a perfect piece on the absurdity of the situation and just write an honest letter. Dear Boris,  Every time your government has mentioned helping people with their mental health, I've always wondered how much they actually understand the extent of the UK's mental health crisis. I've put my optimistic hat on and chosen to believe that you've done your research and are truly invested in improving our countries mental health. I have never believed however that your government know how to "tackle obesity". They are clearly clueless about the fact that as human beings, we can be 'fat' a

Happy 12 th (?) week of lockdown! I hope those of you who still read this blog are all keeping well and having a restful time if you haven’t been at work. I honestly thought I would write on here loads, but I really haven’t had that much to say – nothing that is particularly useful for myself or others anyways! I’ve had questions from people about how to deal with the lockdown if you have an eating disorder. The honest answer is that I wish I knew, because I am struggling. So if anybody knows, please message me!! I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to work for about half of lockdown, but other than my beautiful bunny Meredith, I’ve gone home every night to an empty house. There have been days in a row where I haven’t physically had to open my mouth to talk. It’s just been the weirdest thing. I’ve found it really tricky, especially as my normal coping mechanism when my mood gets questionable is to get out the house and see people. I don’t do well living alone. I mean, Meredith lis

Full - It hates that word. Whether you're full with emotions, or food It hates it. It cannot stand the sensation of fullness And therefore proceeds to empty you. Empty- A word it thrives on. To the outside world, emptiness is associated with negativity and malnourishment But to it, it's seen as an achievement something to be proud of. Pride - Usually something you fell after doing something well, right? But what if that thing is actually eating away at you slowly? It will do that. It will slowly take away everything that makes you, you. You don't realise and with time you become scared. Fear - A negative emotion. It knows that fear will keep you in it's grasp. Fear of the unknown, fear of imperfection, fear of losing control. It recognises these and pulls you into a fake sense of security. It makes you believe you'll be okay if you just trust it. You won't be though. In order to be truly okay, you need to take control of it. Pu

On the 20/04/2020, BBC2 aired a program called ‘Horizon’. ‘Horizon’ is a restaurant whereby, and I quote “every calorie eaten must be burned off”. As someone in recovery from Anorexia, I am of course biased in the fact that I think this is disgusting. However, I do feel I have a good reason to feel this way. I spent way too many days in hospital, at appointments and in inpatient settings to just let this go. This program is so so dangerous. It is very easy to say “Just don’t watch the program”, however if you have ever struggled with an eating disorder, you know it is not as easy as that. There is a little piece of your mind that wants to self-destruct, and sometimes it is completely out of your control. I am grateful to be in a position where I managed to distract myself during the evening with other things, but others won’t have been in that position. There are many reasons why this program is absolutely not okay, but the main reason that I will continue to preach until I