Didn't I break up with you?

Happy 12^th(?) week of lockdown! I hope those of you who still read this blog are all keeping well and having a restful time if you haven’t been at work. I honestly thought I would write on here loads, but I really haven’t had that much to say – nothing that is particularly useful for myself or others anyways!

I’ve had questions from people about how to deal with the lockdown if you have an eating disorder. The honest answer is that I wish I knew, because I am struggling. So if anybody knows, please message me!!

I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to work for about half of lockdown, but other than my beautiful bunny Meredith, I’ve gone home every night to an empty house. There have been days in a row where I haven’t physically had to open my mouth to talk. It’s just been the weirdest thing. I’ve found it really tricky, especially as my normal coping mechanism when my mood gets questionable is to get out the house and see people. I don’t do well living alone. I mean, Meredith listens, but she doesn’t ever really give me any useful insight into my perceived problems. She is cute though, so I let her off!

As my mood went on a rapid decline, my GP (who I adore and if anyone knows me will know I idolise her), got a little bit worried and gracefully handed me over to a mental health specialist for a bit. I was really angry at first, I didn’t believe that I needed that extra support…however my PHQ9 scores suggested differently. So I spoke with this new lady, and she’s popped me on some new meds to help boost me up a bit. When she put me on them she asked my weight, and after I reluctantly told her it (it’s still an area I don’t like talking about), she noted that I will probably have an increase in hunger and ‘rapid’ weight gain. I freaked. I put down the phone and sobbed my heart out. Since then, the words ‘rapid weight gain’ have been floating around in my head every time I think of food, every time I go to the kitchen to make food, and every time food enters my mouth. I downloaded an app which I detest and have been keeping too much of a close eye on my weight again. I feel utterly defeated. It’s like the anorexia saw I was feeling lonely and vowed to be my best friend, and in an instant I accepted. Granted, I did fight it for a bit and was using BEAT’s help more than I ever had since I went to Cape Town, but there comes a point where you can no longer fight, and things just started slipping.

I didn’t tell anyone for weeks about what was going on. Then as soon as some restrictions were cut, and friends were back in the area, it all came out to two of my friends in what I can only describe as word vomit. And now I guess, I am word vomiting on here, so,  sorry!

So what now? Well I have an appointment tomorrow to review things, and I've been off work for the past 10 days. I don't really have a plan right now, other than to try and be as honest with myself and others as I can. I would say something that I have found useful is taking each day hour by hour. Celebrate every hour you get through, and remind yourself that you've made it out the other side of more tricky hours in the past!

I don’t really have a point to this entry. I’m okay. I guess I just wanted to let people know the reasons I couldn’t give them answers about coping right now, and also to remind people that recovery is not linear. I was really really hoping I could have got through what we now know to be a global pandemic, without accepting help from that ‘friend’, who I swore I broke up with 2 years ago.

Dais x