Breaking up with Ana

Cannot believe this day has finally come, but today, I have officially been in recovery for a WHOLE YEAR! It's crazy to think this this time last year, I was on a plane on my way to Cape Town for treatment of an eating disorder that had taken over my life since the age of 15. A year ago, I was super depressed (despite not wanting to admit it, and not letting  it show); underweight; all I thought about 24/7 was food- I was terrified of everything I consumed; exercise had become an addiction, and I was doing it excessively to punish myself; my self confidence was at an all time low, and I was experiencing such self doubt that I was scared to share MY opinions on things, and hid behind everyone else's; I was so manipulative, I hid things from those closest to me, and I started to believe my own lies and on top of all of that, I hated myself. All I knew was that I wanted things to change, but that I needed help, and couldn't do it alone... A year on, thing's still aren...

It's literally been an entire year since I last posted on this blog. I guess over the past year, I haven't felt that I have needed to use it in this part of my recovery, and you know what, that's okay! I thought I would try and give the quickest overview of what the past year of being in recovery has been like, and where I am now. January-March 2018 : So on January 7th, I jetted off to Cape Town, all by myself to begin what would be the start of my real recovery. I was picked up from Cape Town International Airport on the 8th of Jan by the gentleman who helped me find treatment there. I was absolutely exhausted from travelling and was terrified but also excited for the journey I was about to go on! I don't want to say too much about the treatment centre in this post, but let me tell you this, it was a GOD SEND. Everyone there was really lovely, both the other 'inpatients' and the staff. The staff especially were great and the program that they used really...

Hello, and long time, no blog! So this is going to be a very honest account of how my life is currently going, knowing that I jet off to Cape Town in two weeks for life-changing anorexia treatment. TW: There may be mention of BMI. Over the past 18 weeks or so I have been having weekly 'counselling' as that is all I can be offered to someone with my BMI. I liked my therapist, which was a good thing, however, I'll say it again and again, counselling is really not an effective method for someone with an eating disorder, whether that be anorexia, bulimia, PICA, orthorexia or other eating disorders. It gets you to think about your past life events that may have contributed to your eating disorder but it doesn't actually ever combat the irrational thinking from your eating disorder, or give you any ways to deal with it. So in this sense, my 18 weeks of counselling has been pretty useless to me. :( Over the past 4 weeks or so, my anorexia has been screaming at me more tha...

Good Evening lovelies, I thought I would give a quick (ish) update on where I'm at currently. This should hopefully be easy enough for me to do, as now I've started writing a daily journal to keep track of my recovery. I'm doing this with the hope that in a few years time, I can look back on this part of my life and realise how far I'll have hopefully come. This month, I set myself a goal of trying to see things in a more positive light. This month has so far been quite tricky for me, however, I am still continuously trying to be more positive. Naturally, there have been days where I have not been able to do this, but that's okay, and I'm not going to dwell on it. I've just got to "just keep swimming" (Dory, 2003). Recently, I've been really struggling to sleep, which has been a right pain. Currently, I just cannot seem to get to sleep and have awake until 1.30/2.30am. This impacts me massively the next day, as I am obviously a lot more ti...

1. You don't have to be severely underweight to be suffering: Untrue to popular belief, you really do not have to be severely and noticeably underweight to have a diagnosis of Anorexia. The media has made it seem that you cannot be Anorexic without looking underweight/ill, and this is just not true. In fact, you can actually be overweight and anorexic.  On top of this, Anorexia is a MENTAL disorder. Weight loss is just one of many symptoms. 2. The services in the UK are crap unless your health is at serious risk The eating disorder service in the UK is horrendous. Although N.I.C.E guidelines CLEARLY state that weight should not be a determining factor for getting treatment, health professionals, more often than not use weight/BMI as the indicator as to whether or not someone should get treatment. This, however, is not entirely their fault. Due to government cuts, it is just not financially possible to get treatment for Anorexia on the NHS. This is leading to people (such as ...

I realised recently that it has been a long while since I last posted on this blog, despite the promise to myself that I would update it regularly. How annoying. The last few months have been absolutely crazy, filled with many ups and many downs. After my last post, I went on my search for treatment so that I would be able to return to university in April, however, it didn't really go to plan and finding treatment is NOT as easy as I thought it would be. I have been finding out the hard way that within the NHS, and due to my location in the UK, although I have an official diagnosis of AN, and although my BMI is still a lot lower than it should be, I don't qualify for funded treatment. This is due to my BMI not being below 15 (a healthy BMI is between 18.5 and 24.9). A BMI of 15 or below is very dangerous and life threatening, so only qualifying for treatment at that stage seems ridiculous. I could go on and rant about how upsetting and frustrating the whole process of finding...

It's been a few weeks since I last posted on here, and that is mostly due to the fact that I was sorting my bits out at uni and then moving back to my hometown. I GOT TO SEE MY CHICKEN'S AND THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY !! Dave the Chicken (she's a girl) I've been back a couple of weeks now, and to be honest things haven't been all that great. My treatment is STILL not sorted, and I feel so out of control of everything in my life right now. I have no 'schedule', there is nothing I have to do. I was trying to explain this to my friend earlier over the phone and figured the best way to explain it is as followed: When I was at uni, I knew what I had to be getting on with, whether that be uni work, or doing a shop. I actually had a schedule, I worked around my lectures and uni timetable. I knew that if I didn't go to lectures there would be direct consequences, I knew that if I didn't do a food shop, I literally would have nothing in the flat to even sn...