First off, apologies for this going up SO late. I needed to just chill out today and just take some time for myself!
On another note - THANK YOU so much for all the support you've been giving me and my friends this week. Although this is the final post in 'this series', and although it is the end of EDAW 2020, awareness is always needed, and people are always suffering, so please keep talking about it.
Supporting a friend with an ED
This is one of the tougher topics to approach for me. Friends are so so important in recovery, but with that there needs to be boundaries - to protect both parties. This is something I am still very much still learning about, despite being 2 years into recovery now. It's quite tough. I've been the friend to someone who is struggling, and I've been the one struggling and leaning on a friend, so I understand it from both angles.
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| Libs and Katie - my two BIGGEST supports. Love you x |
I've spoken to some people in the past few months about supporting a friend with an ED, and there have been so many similarities in their thought process and feelings. Some of which I am going to share on here.
Supporting someone with an ED is tough. You want to be there for them, and you want to help them in their recovery period, however you also need to have boundaries to protect yourself. It's very very easy to get invested in someone's illness and end up neglecting yourself. It's also very easy for the person with the ED to latch onto your loveliness and supportiveness and sometimes use you as a therapist. There's nothing wrong with being a beautiful human and supporting a friend, but when you start becoming their therapist, this is where boundaries need to come into play.
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| Nick and Charlotte - I love you both so much. |
Boundaries are tricky. Where do you draw the line? What is too much? Well, to be honest this is something you as a friend need to work out for yourself. Some people have absolutely no problem supporting someone say at meals, or going to doctors appointments with them, however for other people this might be too much. Once you've found your 'line', it's really important for you to express this to your friend. When I was struggling one of my friends literally said to me: "Daisy, I love and adore you and want to support your recovery, however, some of the things we talk about make me uncomfortable because I don't know if what I am going to say is going to make things better or worse". I remember feeling initially really embarrassed, but actually I am so glad that it was said and I really do try and remember this now. I try to check in with others and their headspace before offloading, and I find this really helps the issue of boundaries. If you are supporting someone, encourage them to find a therapist. They are professionals and have the best possible advice. They know how to tackle difficult emotions and feelings. I know a lot of guilt comes with saying "Talk to your therapist" or "Go and get a therapist", because I have been the person to say that to a friend before. But honestly, its okay to say that. You need to look out for yourself. I know I found it easier sitting with my friend and helping her find a therapist- it was proactive, I was supporting her, but I wasn't invested to the point my own mental health was dipping.
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| Imy - An actual God send when I returned to uni! |
"I didn’t look after myself. I put them before first. It got to the point where I had to take a step back from the friendship, because I needed to put myself first. At the time I felt guilty, but looking back, I had to look after my own mental health". (A)
"It took a while to realise I needed to look after myself as well as her. Opening up to my mum was a big step in realising I needed to look after myself too. I found that talking to people about it really helped as it alleviated the stress of having all this information to myself and not being able to tell anyone, but I didn’t do that for a while." (B)
"Make sure you have your own support network, away from the person who is suffering. It's really useful!" (G)
I'm not saying you can't support your friends in their recovery or help them along the way, but just look after yourself and make sure you know what you can handle! My friends who I spoke to have got some incredible advice that I'm just going to pop below. All of these people have experience with supporting a friend, and have had highs and lows while doing so. These people are angels, and so brave for speaking out. Lots of love!
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| Abbie - an absolute gem. What a super star! |
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“There is no resentment for supporting my friend,
even while I was struggling myself. My friend suffered with overeating, and I
had to realise quickly that, over-eating anything is a problem, no matter if
the food is healthy or not. When supporting them, I found that if we were going
to eat together, it was better for them if we had set meals rather than a
buffet to minimise the risk of overeating. But I would also say try and do
activities together that don’t revolve around food. When they are struggling, absorb
everything they speak to you about, you’ll be able to work out their trigger
points. Use the information they give you, to support them” (G)
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"" I would say seek some help yourself because even
though you’re not the one suffering from an eating disorder you are acting as a
carer for someone who is and that can be a huge strain on your own mental
health and your relationship with that person.
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| Harriet - a truly special human! |
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I found myself taking a step back in later years
unconsciously from our friendship and I came to realise after some time that
that was okay because it was my body just trying to take care of myself. I
think it’s important to know your mental health and how you feel is just as
important in the situation, even when it feels like all your problems are
secondary to that persons. In saying this, I just mean that being there for
that person and caring for them is so important and I was so happy to be that
person for my best friend, but I also came to realise the toll it took on my
mental health, which is hard because that feels very selfish in comparison to
what they’re going through. It took me a while to realise that mental health is
a bitch and it doesn’t just affect the person who’s going through it, and
carers/supporters need to look after themselves just as much.” (B)
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| Flick - Thank you for everything! |
If you look after yourself, your friendship with the other person won't suffer. Boundaries are
imperative and so is communication.
If you are supporting someone with an ED, BEAT have a friends and family support group. It's a really safe space and I would highly recommend it!
Thanks for a great week for EDAW, I've been so lucky to have had as much support as I have got.
Dais x
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