Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2020: Guest Blog- Recovery is far from linear Jack

Hola my sweets! My friend Jack has very generously offered to write a blog post on relapse in ED recovery - which may I add is a very normal thing to go through in recovery, and not something to be ashamed of. I'm very proud of this man! Thank you, Jack! 

Recovery Is Far From Linear

Relapse. It’s a word dripping with subtext. A word that, to the eyes of the public, comes with connotations of failure, regression and backwards steps. This couldn’t be further from the truth, however. ‘Recovery isn’t linear’ – it’s a phrase bandied around every other mental health circle like it’s going out of fashion, but it’s done so with very good reason. It’s true. The phrase is grounded in complete truth and objective fact. Having finished treatment for my eating disorder just over half a year ago, I thought, naively it must be said, that that was that. That I’d had this hurdle in my life, but that it was now firmly in my rear-view mirror. Even when my therapist made the point of saying that most people would have at least one major relapse within the first year following treatment, I thought little of it. I walked out of the medical centre, a rediscovered spring accompanying my step, confident that I could kick on from there, and intent on maintaining a much more stable and balanced state of mental health as I did so.

Well here’s the thing, folks, I relapsed.

Jack!

Who saw that coming, hey? It started off a few months after the end of treatment with, seemingly innocuous habits, creeping back into my life. The odd lingering stare at my stomach here, a mental calorie calculation there, and before I knew it, I felt myself sliding rapidly. It’s easy to say with the benefit of hindsight, that I should’ve been more proactive earlier on, rather than masking it with a superficial denial, but then again, hindsight is a wonderful thing. Cut to now, and after a hectic couple of months, I’ve had to admit to myself that I’ve fully relapsed. It’s horrible to write this down, to admit to myself that I’m back to square one.

But thinking about it, I’m not back to square one at all. Before my treatment, I would never have been self-aware enough to realise what was going on, let alone be on top of it. Prior to treatment, I would never have shared that I was struggling to anyone. I have the tools now, both mentally and in terms of literary resources and materials, to try and get back on top of it. Relapse is hard, harder still to admit to, but it’s far from the end of the world. I am still very much in the midst of a relapse, there’s no getting around that, but I’m in the midst of a relapse with support around me and within me. There is absolutely no shame in admitting that you’ve been struggling, whether that be specifically in terms of eating disorders, or with your mental health more generally.

What Caused It?

You may be wondering how and why this hiccup has happened? On the surface, at least, I’ve had a great few months. I’ve been in four very different shows, all of which I’ve loved, I’ve moved in with my partner, and established a solid social circle in a completely new area. Jobwise, I’ve found a position where I can write everyday as a content creator at an incredibly progressive marketing firm. It’s a workplace where employee wellbeing is at the forefront of both the company ethos and day-to-day practices (something I don’t for one second take for granted). I’ve even managed to find an agent for my acting, and the ‘dream’ of doing it professionally has never been so close or tangible. And yet. It has happened. 

People only see the good things in your life, especially since the advent of social media platforms. No-one sees what happens behind closed doors or between your two ears. The past two months have been especially hectic, and I’ve been failing to keep on top of it, for one reason or another. The highs have been high, whilst the lows have been even lower. Living your life by these two polar extremes isn’t conducive to stability in the long run. The feeling of being out of control crept back, and unsurprisingly, so did the toxic habits. But I’ve told people, and that really is half the battle, it brings everything down to a simmer once again. The worst thing you can do is keep it all inside for fear of burdening other people. You’d be surprised at just how many people want to see you be happy and thrive.